You’re Allowed to Say No: A Therapist in Fairfax, VA’s Guide to Healthy Boundaries

Oct 22

Bold text reading "You're Allowed to Say No!" on a cream background with a graphic red and navy swirl.

I met with a client recently who is a doctor with a thriving practice. She has a full caseload and was about to make a major move to a different state, but she told me she had accepted 4 new patients the previous week. She was freaking out about how she was going to see that many people while trying to pack up her life and move across the country.

She said ‘yes,’ when she meant ‘no,’ and now she is dealing with the consequences.

And believe me, there are consequences. Exhaustion, burnout, overwhelm, resentment, poor physical health, depression, and anxiety can all be symptoms of an inability to say ‘no.’

As women, we are trained for this. We are taught by example and by overt and covert messages that our comfort, our ability to function in a healthy, balanced way, should come second to the needs and desires of others, regardless of the consequences. This makes it hard to fight the pull to say ‘yes,’ when we really mean ‘no.’ It feels like being helpful, agreeable, and emotionally attuned to others, at all costs, is a sign that we are ‘good.’ As a result, many of us have been socialized to think that setting boundaries makes us selfish, cold, and uncaring.

But boundaries are not about being uncaring. They are about making sure that we have what we need to continue being loving, engaged partners in our relationships. As activist Prentiss Hemphill says, “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” To do that, we need to recognize that our own needs, limits, time, and energy matter.

If you struggle with setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs, therapy can be a great place to start working on these issues. A therapist in Fairfax, VA can help you start to identify the patterns that make setting healthy, appropriate boundaries difficult and work with you to develop self-trust, self-compassion, and self-worth.

What Are Boundaries... And What Aren’t They?

Boundaries have become a bit of a buzzword of late, so there are a lot of misconceptions about what setting a boundary means. Some people only imagine the extremes: either I accept whatever this person does or I cut off contact with them. But a healthy boundary is not a wall, it is a way of communicating your needs. While occasionally, that might look like cutting off contact, most boundaries are there precisely so that the relationship can stay healthy enough to survive.

Of course, this isn’t easy stuff. Many of us shy away from uncomfortable conversations where we give feedback that can make a relationship better. It can sometimes feel easier to just end the relationship. The problem is that, if we never learn to set healthy boundaries, we will have to keep cutting more and more people off, and, in the end, we will find ourselves alone.

Being in healthy relationship with others inherently means voicing our needs: it means setting boundaries.

So, here is what a boundary is:

It is a limit around what you are willing to do, accept, or participate in
It can involve time, energy, physical space, emotional availability, and personal values
It tells the other person what does and doesn’t work for you
It involves a statement about your behavior, not a demand about theirs
Ideally, it should include both what is and what isn’t okay with you
It is clear, and it is kind - how the other person reacts is not your responsibility

In contrast, a boundary is not:

A demand that someone behave, think, or feel a certain way
A rule designed to control someone else’s behavior
Rejection, punishment, or selfishness
A guarantee that the other person will be happy with your decision or will react well to your sharing it

A boundary expresses what your needs are, and what you will and won’t do to get those needs met. It then allows the other person to make their own decisions about their behavior, knowing how you will react.

As a simple example, my daughter loves to play in the bath. She will stay in there for hours if we let her. But I don’t want the whole bathroom floor to be soaked when she’s done. A boundary I could set with her would be:

I know you love playing in the bath. I love that for you too. But it is not okay with me when you splash water all over the floor. If you continue to splash water out of the tub, bath time will be over.

Now, she will not be happy about this. She may even cry or scream. But it is clear, it is kind, and it is healthy, because it keeps me from resenting her for making my life harder when I have to clean up the bathroom later. And me not resenting her is ultimately much healthier for our relationship, regardless of her short-term reaction.

Most of us find this easier in the context of parenting. We accept that it is our job as parents to provide feedback to our children, so it feels more accessible. I started with this example exactly for that reason, but the same rules apply to our other relationships.

Imagine that the issue is with your father-in-law, who regularly pressures you about when you are going to have a baby. For many, this may feel more charged, especially if you are from a culture where respecting elders is prioritized. But it is equally possible to set a boundary here that is both clear and kind (read: respectful), and that still addresses your needs. For example:

I know you are excited about being a grandfather, and I am excited about that for you too! It is totally okay with me that you are excited, and that you talk to other family members about it. But it does not work for me that you keep asking about it every time we speak. In the future, if you bring it up, I will need to leave the conversation.

Notice that the format here is the same as above.

It acknowledges that the behavior comes from a good place.
It lets the person know what does work for you and what doesn’t.
And it lets him know what will happen in the future if the behavior occurs.

This is crucial because your father-in-law may very well still choose to bring up the issue. But now he knows how you will react, and if you follow through (another crucial bit!), he may eventually decide it is not worthwhile to continue the behavior. The boundary is about you meeting your need not to engage in this conversation, not about controlling what your father-in-law says or does.

Signs You Might Need Stronger Boundaries

So how do you know if you struggle with this?

Some of you may feel like boundaries experts.

Some of you have never set a boundary and didn’t know it was an option.

And many of you fall somewhere in between.

You may want to examine your relationship with boundary-setting if you recognize your experience in any of these patterns:

You regularly say ‘yes’ and then feel resentful, exhausted, trapped, or overwhelmed
You have difficulty identifying what you need because you're constantly monitoring what everyone else wants
You apologize excessively, over-explain your decisions, or feel compelled to justify yourself when you say ‘no’ (remember: ‘No.’ is a complete sentence!)
You feel responsible for others’ emotions and work hard to prevent anyone from being disappointed, angry, or uncomfortable
You frequently abandon your own priorities to accommodate someone else

How Do I Know What My Boundary Is?

Before you can communicate a boundary to someone else, you have to identify it in yourself. But if you are someone who has spent a lifetime ignoring your needs, it can feel difficult to know where to begin. The good news is, all the signals are there, waiting for you to notice them.

Our emotions and body sensations exist to communicate with us, so if we can practice being mindful of them, we can learn a lot about our needs and desires.

When someone makes a request of you, pay attention to what happens in your body: Is there tension and anxiety, or a sense of ease and excitement? Do you experience feelings of dread, irritation, exhaustion, or a desire to escape? Or do you feel warmth? There is a difference between genuine generosity and automatically accommodating others at your own expense. There may very well be things you are overjoyed to say yes to, even if you have a lot on your plate. But the ‘yes’ shouldn’t be a kneejerk reaction to avoid letting someone down.

Get in the habit of asking yourself questions before responding:

Do I actually want to do this?
What do I wish I could say if I weren’t worried about disappointing someone?
Am I taking responsibility for something that isn’t really mine to carry?
If I do say ‘yes,’ what am I saying ‘no’ to instead?

This final question is important because every choice we make uses time, resources, and energy that we then don’t have for something else. If the thing we are saying ‘no’ to is our own peace or health, that is really important information in our decision-making.

How to Set a Boundary Without Overexplaining

Once you know what your boundary is, the next step is to communicate it. For women who were socialized to accommodate everyone else before themselves, the temptation can be to offer a heartfelt apology and a detailed explanation. But this can be counterproductive for two reasons. First, it perpetuates your own guilt about your decision. Second, it invites the person to negotiate something that you have already decided is non-negotiable. You are not trying to convince anyone that your boundary is legitimate: your boundary is legitimate exactly because it is what you need.

Here are some examples of clear, kind ways to say ‘no’ that express your needs without lengthy apology or justification:

I won’t be able to make it this weekend.
An in-person meeting won’t work for me next week. Are you available for a video chat?
I am not available to talk about this tonight.
I am comfortable taking on X, but I cannot take on Y.
I am going to think about that before I give you an answer. I will call you back in a day or two.

What If Someone Gets Upset?

If you start to practice saying ‘no,’ chances are, there are going to be times when someone is disappointed, upset, or even angry with you. It is important to remind yourself that this doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong! Others are allowed to experience their emotions, and when we have to say ‘no’ to honor our own needs, sometimes those emotions are going to be challenging. But your job is not to manage those reactions. Your job is to prioritize your needs so that you can maintain a healthier, more honest relationship in the long run. Resentment and burnout are much more harmful to relationships than a brief period of anger or disappointment.

When you practice saying ‘no,’ notice any urges to immediately backtrack, apologize, or remove the boundary when someone reacts negatively. Remind yourself that their negative emotions will pass, and that you are protecting the relationship in the long run. Over time, as you get more in the habit of honoring your needs, people will get used to it, and you will get used to these feelings. Ultimately, the respectful, caring people in our lives generally prefer to know they can trust us to share our real experiences and needs so they don’t have to second guess or try to read our minds. And those who refuse to allow for our boundaries are the ones who need the strongest boundaries of all!

Why Healthy Boundaries Can Feel Bad at First

When you are used to putting everyone else’s needs and feelings first, learning to set boundaries can come with a lot of guilt and discomfort. But just because you feel guilty does not mean you’ve done something wrong. Discomfort can be a sign that you are doing something unfamiliar, not necessarily something harmful. Think about the first time you spoke in public. For most of us, this experience felt uncomfortable, but that didn’t mean we shouldn’t have done it. We just needed to practice. Saying ‘no’ is similar. It is a skill that takes practice, especially if we are working against socialization that tells us that we don’t get to have needs or boundaries. Just like any new skill, the more we practice, the easier it gets. And importantly, we don’t have to wait until it feels comfortable to say ‘no’ before we say it – because if we do that, we will never say it!

Boundaries in Different Relationships

All relationships are different, and boundaries can look different within the context of these different relationships.

Strangers: Boundary-setting with strangers may seem odd but is actually a great place to start practicing these skills because these situations are often much lower stakes. This may involve saying ‘no’ to salespeople in shops, being firm but kind with wait-staff or other service providers, or even speaking up when someone does something rude.
Work: Boundaries in the workplace may involve protecting time, workload, availability, and personal responsibilities. This is a good place to practice when you have gotten more comfortable setting boundaries with strangers.
Friendships: Boundaries within friendships may come up around balancing availability and reciprocity without feeling responsible for maintaining the relationship single-handedly.
Romantic Relationships: Boundaries in romantic relationships may involve communicating needs around time, space, emotional support, intimacy, or shared responsibilities.
Family: Boundaries with family may include setting limits around intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, visits, emotionally loaded conversations, or caregiving responsibilities. This is the last group I would recommend practicing with, as these relationships are the longest, most ingrained, and often feel the most fraught and high stakes.

You Don’t Have to Earn the Right to Have Boundaries

For folks who struggle to set boundaries, believing you deserve to say ‘no,’ can be one of the hardest things. Remember that a healthy relationship should have room for the needs, feelings, and autonomy of both parties.

You don’t have to prove that you are exhausted enough, hurt enough, or justified enough to say ‘no.’ Your needs are your needs, and they are important exactly for that reason. It should be reason enough!

How Therapy Can Help You Build Healthier Boundaries

If you are ready to start experimenting with healthy boundaries (or even if you are just ready to start considering whether you are ready!), working with a therapist in Fairfax, VA can help. Therapy can provide an opportunity to practice new scripts for difficult situations, but it can also help you to understand what makes these situations difficult, and where your struggle comes from. A good therapist will help you to develop a greater awareness of your needs, values, emotions, and relational patterns, and make decisions about what, if anything, you’d like to change.

Although there are many kinds of therapy that can be helpful with these issues, there are a few that are especially well-suited. Relational therapy is all about understanding the origin of relational patterns that once protected you but no longer serve you. The relationship between you and the therapist becomes a place to notice these patterns and experiment with new ways of interacting. Feminist therapy can help you look at the ways that your socialization and culture have shaped you and may be continuing to keep you stuck. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help you to understand the different parts of yourself that are ultimately trying to protect you, but may be pulling you toward accommodation, avoidance, self-protection, or self-abandonment instead.

Remember, the goal is not for you to become less caring of others, but rather to help you develop relationships in which caring for others does not require abandoning yourself.

Saying ‘No’ Is One Way of Saying ‘Yes’ to Yourself

The bottom line here is that you are allowed to say ‘no.’ It’s that simple, and that complicated.

If this all feels overwhelming, start small. No one can overhaul all their relationships at once! Begin by pausing before immediately saying ‘yes.’ Start to notice your reactions to requests: are you feeling resentment, dread, or overwhelm? How do you want to respond? Even just beginning to cultivate awareness of where these emotions are showing up is a big step. Next, choose one small boundary and communicate that to someone low stakes. You can build from there.

If you would like some support in this process, please feel free to reach out. I am a therapist in Fairfax, VA who offers relational, feminist, and IFS therapy to over-accommodating, overwhelmed women just like you. And I would love to help you to find your ‘no!’