Your brother calls to ask if you can babysit his three kids Friday so he and his wife can go out. Now, you love your brother, and you really love his kids, but they are all under 5 and can be freaking exhausting, especially at the end of a long week. And you know this is going to be a long week. But you don’t want to let your brother down. So, you say yes. Even though really, you want to spend Friday evening curled up with a book.
For many women, scenarios like this are commonplace. Our inner monologue helpfully narrates every decision and jumps in with judgment any time we consider speaking up: “They’ll be disappointed in me,” “I’m being selfish,” or the super helpful, “I should be able to handle this!”
The thing is, just because we think something, doesn’t make it true (I know, right?), and just because we feel guilty doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong. If you could use some support working through your guilt and finding healthy ways to honor your needs, a therapist in Fairfax, VA can help.
Why Do We Feel Guilty When We Say No?
In many Western cultures, women are socialized as nurturers. We are taught, both implicitly and explicitly, that being good means being accommodating, helpful, and agreeable. We are literally told that being ‘selfless’ is something to aspire to. Self-less. Without self. Go figure. (Props to author Glennon Doyle for opening my eyes to that precious nugget).
It is no surprise, then, that women who were socialized to care The Most about everyone else and put our needs last would easily confuse others’ disappointment with doing something wrong. If we learn as children that saying no will cost us belonging, love, affection, or approval, all of which are existential threats to a child, it is no great mystery why we struggle with boundaries as adults.
It’s the transitive property at work: If being disappointed is bad, and someone is disappointed because of me, then what I did is bad. Or maybe, I am bad.
So, we prioritize connection over getting our needs met. Even if we have made a reasonable decision, we feel the need to ‘fix’ the situation if someone is upset with us. And we maintain our relationships through over-accommodation, even when it leaves us resentful and overwhelmed.
What Do you Mean Feeling Guilty Doesn’t Mean I’ve Done Something Wrong?
It’s easy to mistake our thoughts and feelings for reality. But guilt can come up for any number of reasons, and not all of them mean you’re at fault.
Ask yourself, have I acted against my values? Or am I just uncomfortable because I’m challenging my programming? Have I done something hurtful? Or am I uncomfortable that someone might be upset with me?
The truth is, we can care about someone’s feelings without making ourselves responsible for them. I might feel sorry to disappoint my friend by bowing out of lunch to rest, but that doesn’t mean I’m treating them badly. My need for rest is not inherently less important than their need to see me, and it isn’t my job to prevent every uncomfortable feeling they experience.
How to Start Saying No Without Guilt
If setting boundaries is new to you, start small. Experiment with relationships that are ‘low stakes,’ like salespeople or servers, before you move on to more complicated relationships. Decline a small request or express a preference about something benign.
Pause before responding. Instead of automatically saying yes, say something like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you,” or “I’d like to think about that before I answer.” This gives you time to consider whether you actually want to say yes and whether you have the bandwidth to do so.
You are likely to feel some guilt, at least initially. Expecting that can help ease the experience. Try to notice the guilt without treating it as an instruction or an indication of fault. You can feel guilty and still follow through. Notice what happens when you allow the discomfort to pass without reversing your decision.
Keep your responses simple. You don’t have to justify or explain yourself! Try something like, “That doesn’t work for me,” “I am not able to do that,” or “I don’t have the capacity to take that on right now.”
For a more in-depth exploration of boundary setting, check out my previous post, “You’re Allowed to Say No!”
What If the Guilt Doesn’t Go Away?
If you’ve spent your life putting others first, setting boundaries is likely to feel uncomfortable for a while, even if you are making reasonable, healthy choices. It may be worth exploring whether the guilt you feel is connected to deeper fears about rejection, conflict, worthiness, or being seen as ‘bad.’
Therapy can be a space to examine these patterns, discover where they developed, and practice new ways of relating. Therapy modalities like relational therapy, feminist therapy, and internal family systems (IFS) can help build understanding and experiment with new patterns. If that sounds helpful to you, working with a therapist in Fairfax, VA (like myself!) may be the right choice for you.
Just like with any new skill, saying no will likely get easier the more you practice.
You Can Be a Caring Person and Still Say No
When we challenge a lifetime of messaging telling us that caring women put others’ needs first, saying no can feel selfish or unkind. But kindness shouldn’t require self-abandonment. The goal isn’t to stop caring, it’s to include ourselves in that care.
In the long run, prioritizing self-care strengthens our relationships because it makes resentment and burnout less likely. And, as others begin to trust us to be honest about our needs, they don’t have to feel guilty asking us for help!
So, the next time someone asks for something, pause and ask yourself what you genuinely want, and what you have the capacity to give. Then respond honestly, even if the answer is no.
Rachel W. Friendly, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and therapist in Fairfax, VA.
She offers relational, feminist, and IFS therapy to clients in-person in Springfield, VA and via telehealth to clients in VA, DC, MA, and CA. She specializes in supporting bright, people-pleasing women who feel guilty prioritizing their needs. Find out more about her services here.