I’ve always loved birthdays. Special occasions mean a lot to me, but birthdays mean the most. I had a milestone birthday in April 2020 (you see where this is going...). My partner planned a huge party, with friends and family coming into town and music and a food truck, the works. And then: COVID. When it became clear that we had to cancel, I was gutted. My sweet partner still tried to make it special, but it just wasn’t the same.
Now, I could have kept my disappointment to myself. The people-pleasing part of me definitely wanted to. I didn’t want to make my partner feel badly for something that was out of his control, and I genuinely appreciated his effort. But my disappointment was real too. And by sharing both my gratitude and my disappointment, we were able to commiserate together. Sharing allowed him to see more of my truth and created an opportunity for connection.
As a therapist in Fairfax, VA, I work with lots of women who struggle with the line between genuine care for others and feeling responsible for keeping everybody happy. For many of us with loud, insistent, people-pleasing parts, the worry is significant: if I stop people-pleasing, will I become selfish? But the truth is, while people-pleasing can look like consideration on the outside, on the inside, it often feels like resentment, overwhelm, or loneliness. And none of those feelings are good for our relationships.
What is People-Pleasing, and Why Do We Do It?
People-pleasing is a pattern of prioritizing others’ approval, comfort, or needs at the expense of our own. Signs of people-pleasing include:
Automatically saying yes
Over-explaining decisions
Avoiding disagreement
Monitoring others’ moods and reactions
Feeling responsible for fixing others’ problems
Feeling guilty for saying no or acknowledging your needs
People-pleasing is a pattern that usually develops in childhood to protect ourselves from rejection, abandonment, or conflict. We learn that being agreeable, obliging, or low maintenance helps us keep the peace and stay in others’ good graces.
People socialized female are especially rewarded for people-pleasing behavior. Women are encouraged to be accommodating, nurturing, and attentive to others’ needs. People-pleasing is therefore an understandable adaptation and survival tool, rather than a personal failing.
But not all survival tools continue to serve us into adulthood. Excessive people-pleasing may feel familiar, but that doesn’t make it healthy.
Does Putting Yourself First Make You Selfish?
To answer this question, we must start by defining selfishness. The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines selfishness as: (n) concern for one's own welfare or advantage at the expense of or in disregard of others. Note that a requirement for selfishness is indifference towards the needs or rights of others. If you are reading this, you are likely anything but indifferent!
Folks whose default is to keep everyone else happy may feel they have to make a choice between being a good person and having needs of their own. But the reality is we all have needs, and nobody’s needs are inherently more or less important. Acknowledging this is not selfish, it’s a sign of self-respect.
Healthy relationships involve mutual care, compromise, and room for both people’s feelings, not one person continually sacrificing themselves for the other. Try asking yourself, “Would I expect someone I love to ignore their own needs in this situation? If not, why am I expecting that of myself?”
How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Becoming Selfish
The key to stopping people-pleasing is to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Try these steps if you’re looking for a place to begin:
Pause before saying yes. Give yourself some breathing room to consider your capacity and desires. Instead of automatically agreeing, try saying, “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
Tune in with curiosity. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling? What do I want? What sensations am I experiencing? Do I genuinely want to do this or am I afraid to let someone down?” (Note: You often have a choice to let someone else down or let yourself down. Explore what it might be like to not automatically abandon yourself).
Practice small acts of self-advocacy, in low-stakes situations at first. Express a preference, decline a request, or share an opinion.
Allow others to have their feelings without trying to “fix” them. Others may be disappointed if you don’t automatically accommodate them, but it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.
For example, imagine a colleague asks you to follow up with someone about a project. You are already overwhelmed with your own work. Try politely declining. You can say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time to make that happen this week.” Notice that you can care about your colleague and still recognize that you cannot take responsibility for everything. They may be disappointed, and they may express that to you. That doesn’t mean you were wrong to be honest about your needs, or that the boundary you set is selfish or unhealthy. Allow your colleague to experience their disappointment. The discomfort you feel will pass with time and practice.
What If People are Upset When You Change?
If you start prioritizing yourself when you’ve always put yourself last, chances are that folks will need time to adjust. It is totally normal for there to be some discomfort and uncertainty during this adjustment period, especially if some people are upset by the change. Remember that healthy relationships make room for both people’s needs and limits, even when those sometimes conflict. Try to notice whether your relationships allow for this mutuality, or whether they depend on you always being the accommodating one.
Learning to Care for Yourself and Others
Setting boundaries, speaking up, and honoring your needs can be difficult, but they are skills anyone can learn with time and patience. Importantly, you don’t have to stop being generous or thoughtful to stop people-pleasing. The goal is to get to a place where you can choose to care for others freely, rather than out of fear, obligation, or a need for approval.
If you are interested in exploring the origins of your people-pleasing patterns, understanding the emotions that maintain them, and experimenting with new ways of relating, therapy is a great place to start. As a therapist in Fairfax, VA, I can help you develop self-compassion, self-understanding, and self-trust. Because honoring your needs is not about being selfish, it’s about building self-respect.
Rachel W. Friendly, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and therapist in Fairfax, VA.
She offers individual therapy to clients in-person in Springfield, VA and via telehealth to clients in VA, DC, MA, and CA. She specializes in supporting bright, people-pleasing women who worry that prioritizing their needs makes them selfish.
Find out more about her services here.