Healthy Boundaries: The Path to Self-Love

Imagine you are you working out with a new trainer at the gym. You don’t know one another well yet, and the trainer is still trying to get to know what your body can and can’t do. She tells you to get down onto all fours for some bird dogs. Now, you know that your knees hurt whenever you put significant pressure on them – the kind of pressure that happens when, for example, you are on all fours and then stretch out your opposite arm and leg, thus putting all of your body weight on the remaining knee and arm. But you don’t want to let your new trainer down and you don’t want her to think you’re not committed to the work. So, what do you do?  If you speak up, you risk someone who’s opinion you value thinking less of you. If you don’t speak up, you will definitely be in pain in the moment and may possibly be injured for some period of time after the workout. For most of us, the answer in this instance is clear: we speak up to avoid physically injuring ourselves.

Speaking up in the gym is one version of setting a boundary, and many of us struggle mightily with doing this in other areas of our lives, especially when the injury is emotional rather than physical. The writer, psychotherapist, and activist Prentis Hemphill defines a boundary as, “the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” This is important because many people think of setting boundaries as an act of self-protection or conflict, when in fact setting boundaries is about being clear in our relationships so that we can love both our people and ourselves better.

Boundary setting does not have to be negative – in fact, boundaries are clearer when they contain both negative and positive elements. For example, say your mom has a habit of commenting on your body in ways that make you uncomfortable and feel unhelpful or judgmental, even though you know these comments come from a place of love and concern. One version of setting an appropriate boundary in this situation might sound like, “Mom, I know that you love me and that you worry about my health and wellbeing. It is okay for you to worry about me. It is even okay for you to talk about your worries with Dad when I am not around. But I want to let you know that it is not okay for you to discuss them with me anymore. I need to ask you not to make comments about my body or my weight when I am with you – it makes me feel sad and uncomfortable, and it is not going to work for me anymore.”

Of course, the hardest part about boundaries isn’t usually setting the boundary – it’s holding the boundary. In the above example, it is entirely likely that Mom will make another comment. Lifelong relational patterns usually don’t just disappear, and she may not be used to boundaries being set in the relationship.  So, when she crosses the boundary the next time, we might respond by reminding her, “Hey Mom, I just wanted to remind you that my body is not up for discussion anymore. I love you and I know you love me, but I need to ask you to stop making comments like that.” It may take a few instances of holding the boundary like this, but over time, if the person does really value the relationship, the behavior will likely start to change. And if it doesn’t, that is also good information, and we can act accordingly.

Now for some people, the above example may seem way too confrontational. They can’t imagine being this direct with someone. But consider the alternative: what is the impact on our mental health when we continue to allow behavior that damages our wellbeing and self-respect?  And what is the impact on this relationship we ostensibly want to protect when we are not honest and clear about the fact that the other person is hurting us? What are the chances that we are going to continue to engage in this relationship long term?  So many adult children are estranged from their parents these days because of “toxic” relational patterns - is it truly kinder to cut someone off than to let them know clearly and directly what we needed from them in the first place? 

Setting and holding healthy and appropriate boundaries allows us to make space for ourselves within our relationships, which in turn allows those relationships to grow and become healthier. We are not responsible for the ways others respond to our boundaries, but we are responsible for setting healthy boundaries in the first place so that the people who love us know what we need from them. If our loved ones show us that they cannot or will not respect our boundaries, we can make decisions that take this information into account. Either way, boundaries are a vital aspect of both our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves.